I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
