Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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