HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
