if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize