i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
