Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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