I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
