Pappa wants mamma naked
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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