ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
