I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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