Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
