I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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