get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
