i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
