Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
