So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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