my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
