Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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