please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
stop calling my apartment porn island.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
