At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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