Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
