I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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