My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
