I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Randomize
