At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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