hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
