And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
The beer is more important than you right now.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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