i need an iv and a liver transplant
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Congratulations! We have a period
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