Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I think your dad took our porno
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
