i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
