I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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