I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
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