so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
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