high people should be assigned attendants
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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