Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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