god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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