Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
