i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
