you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
