i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I am spending my child support on dildos
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
