I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
