We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize