He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
