So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
