The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
