mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
