batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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