I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
