I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
