the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
