So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Randomize
