I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
its not stalking. its research.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
