I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
