if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I wanna passion pit in your ass
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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