Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
