my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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