so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
