He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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