oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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