I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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