i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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